Finding Nevo

Nevo is a 22-year-old Jewish, queer, non-binary activist, public speaker and author of Finding Nevo, a thoughtful and moving memoir on gender transition. The book describes Nevo’s journey to find their identity.

Assigned female at birth, Nevo has had a complex relationship with gender, transitioning as male at the age of 17, undergoing different medical interventions and now identifying outside of a female/male gender binary. They currently work with children as both a youth leader and via running workshops in schools. They are also an advocate for all children, young people and families confronting issues of gender and sexuality in their own lives.

Now preferring to be identified using non-gender pronouns such as ‘them’ and ‘they’, Nevo knows the journey has far from ended. It remains a long road for Nevo, who continues to challenge social norms, educate others about transgender and non-binary issues, and offer support to the LGBTIQIA+ community. They run workshops and professional development in schools and workplaces around gender inclusivity.

Anthea Rees, Policy Officer at the APS, interviewed Nevo to explore some of the struggles they outlined in their book, and in particular, to explore their school experiences and the support they received from psychologists while they were at school.

You describe being lonely and unhappy from an early age in primary school. You said you often felt lost, afraid and alone and spent a lot of time in the school sick bay to avoid the classroom and playground.

I was picked on for being a tomboy and not fitting in. I was never happy with the girls who would just sit around and talk, and the boys wouldn’t let me join in the active sporty games. I think I was picked on and bullied because I didn’t really fit in with anyone. One way I acted out about this was to be loud and aggressive. My parents sent me to psychologists who focused on the aggressive behaviour. I don’t remember getting much comfort or support. I don’t remember anyone asking me why I was so angry. I might have deflected it, I might have misled them. I don’t think I had the language then to really describe what I was feeling, but no-one spoke about gender issues or tried to unpack it with me.

Did anyone at school help you with the bullying or discrimination?

Sure, there was one young teacher who was supportive, but there never seemed to be any follow-up. There was no one really to bat for me. I had lots of tantrums about the school uniform and having to wear a dress. It was so restrictive on the monkey bars and in games, and nothing was ever changed. We were so rigidly divided along gender lines for everything and yet I didn’t know or like the girls. I didn’t want to be with them.

You navigated many school issues on your own – daily experiences of toilets, uniform codes, sports issues. Swimming was a nightmare for you. Do you think the teachers and school welfare staff knew about transgender and gender-diverse issues?

There seemed to be many barriers to the schools being gender inclusive. There was a lack of professional awareness. Teachers didn’t seem to have had any professional development on gender issues. In sport for example, the students shouldn’t have been divided along gender lines. It would have been better to divide us according to skills. Gender should be ‘invisibilised’.

You describe school as a ‘battlefield’, and Year 12 as particularly difficult. You outline feeling mentally fragile, struggling to focus and feeling insecure and lonely. You were wanting to socially transition. There continued to be issues with uniform and thoughtless teachers who commented on your appearance. What could the school have done to be more affirming of your school experience?

There needs to be more explicit teaching about gender variance. It would be helpful to have training for teachers and discussion of examples in literature. There should be books in classrooms that acknowledge different families, different bodies and different ways of being. There needs to be more ready representation of gender diversity and non-binary identities, say in stories. There should be more educational resources for students and teachers that are trans positive. Schools need to have more inclusive policies and actually act on them. Just having an anti-bullying policy is not enough.

You describe being anxious, depressed and even suicidal in secondary school. Did you see the school psychologist?

I saw tonnes of psychologists. Early on they focused on trying to have me stay in school, not drop out, and they focused on my academic achievement. But it wasn’t a problem for me to stay in school and academically I was very capable. Later there was a school psychologist who had helpful strategies. She helped me take control of all my negative self-talk, she listened to me. She didn’t try to change me. She validated my anger and she affirmed my intelligence.

One of the problems going through school is that there are a lot of transitions – across year levels, across campuses. And, as well, I was transitioning as lesbian and then as transgender. You get to see a lot of people but there was no continuity in the support services. You start afresh with each counsellor. There is no handover. You have to keep retelling your story, and it’s emotionally draining to constantly retell your story. I felt I was skilling up the psychologists – I always felt I needed to educate them. I remember saying to one psychologist “You’re getting a lot more out of this than I am”.

In the book you talk a lot about needing to belong, needing to find your community. How can schools help with this?

It’s hard to be outside of the norm, especially in schools. I hope that the book will make schools question strict gender expectations for students that are so oppressive and which exclude gender diverse students. If schools are genuinely inclusive in policy and practice, everyone can feel a sense of belonging. I wish I had had young positive role models at school – people I could relate to and who would understand. We all need to feel we belong and are part of a community.

Being transgender or gender diverse is not a mental health issue, but mental health issues can emerge for transgender children because of societal and cultural ideas about gender diversity. Would you agree?

Yes, there’s a lot of research now about trans and gender-diverse people being at increased risk of harm because of discrimination, social exclusion, bullying and even physical assault. I felt bullied, picked on, marginalised and body conscious. It’s a toll on mental health. That’s why trans kids need to be heard and accepted without judgment by their parents, and their teachers. They need information and peer contact. I looked everything up on the internet because there were so few people to talk to. Trans kids need to be able to express themselves and they need to be safe. Schools have a huge responsibility here.

Would it be true to say that a psychologist could sometimes be the first person that a young person speaks to about gender dysphoria or about questioning their sexual identity?

Yes. I was fortunate to have a very supportive family and friends. But a lot of young people experience family rejection. That’s why psychologists need to be aware and well trained in understanding the needs of gender-diverse students.

Looking back, what advice would you have now for your schools to have been more trans aware and inclusive?

Well fortunately in the later years I was at a school that was part of the Safe Schools Program. This made a huge difference to my mental health and I would advise all schools to actively participate in the program. The school was actually pretty switched on. The students drove the program but the school provided training for teachers that they could choose to opt into. I was able to feel more supported and connected to the school. We met as a group fortnightly for support and just to talk about our issues. A liaison teacher participated for half the session and was able to take any concerns back to the school leadership. There has been a lot of media debauchery about the Safe Schools Program, but the truth is, it saves lives.

Finding Nevo has just won the Australian Family Therapists’ Book of the Year Award. What does this mean for you?

I feel very honoured by this award. The Australian Family Therapists want the book to be a resource for young people. They want therapists to use it with young people and they want it in schools to help validate the experiences of gender diverse and transgender students. I hope that it helps those people to feel less alone and more supported and affirmed in who they are.

APS resources

1. APS position paper: Mental health practices that affirm transgender people’s experiences
2. Information sheet: Transgender and gender diverse children
3. APS position paper: Use of psychological practices that attempt to change sexual orientation

Recommended reading

Australian Standards of Care and Treatment Guidelines for Trans and Gender Diverse Children and Adolescents. Royal Children’s Hospital, Melbourne, 2018