This year the APS updated the Parenting After Separation position paper to include recent research1 and focus more clearly on children’s wellbeing following separation. One of the significant additions to the 2018 version was an attempt to better tease out the problems of conflict and violence between separating parents, and the impact these have on children.
The revised 2018 position paper is also accompanied by two parent information sheets, one providing general advice for parents about how to promote children’s wellbeing following separation, and the second written specifically for parents separating in the context of family violence2.
Research into the implications of parental separation for children’s wellbeing is particularly challenging, and shortcomings in many past studies have contributed to controversy in this area. For example, most early research was plagued by selection effects, such as inclusion of families in which parents separate that tend to differ from those who stay together on a range of background characteristics that affect child outcomes, and which are often not accounted for in studies of how children are coping following separation.
The more instructive studies are those that look at factors which predict child wellbeing. In general, the factors predicting child wellbeing are the same for children in separated families and those in non-separated families. The strongest single predictors of child outcomes are family violence and inter-parent conflict, which have direct negative effects on child wellbeing as well as indirect effects through their impact on parenting and parent mental health (Baxter, Weston, & Qu, 2011; Lucas, Nicholson & Elbas, 2013).
While most research has focused on the negative consequences of parental separation for children, there are circumstances where it has a beneficial effect. Research has repeatedly shown that parental separations that remove children from home environments marked by chronic discord and violence appear to result in improvements rather than decrements in wellbeing (Booth & Amato, 2001; Strohschein, 2005).
Inter-parental conflict and family violence are often conflated in the parental separation literature, but it is important to try to distinguish between them. Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, particularly in times of crisis. It can be reciprocal, with both parents contributing. Family violence, on the other hand is typically one way, reflecting a power imbalance between the parties involved, where one party3 seeks to be feared and obeyed by threatening their partner’s personal autonomy and safety, and directly or indirectly, the safety of their children.
In developing the 2018 Parenting After Separation position paper we attempted to examine the effects of conflict and family violence separately.
Inter-parental conflict
To begin, we looked at the effects of inter-parental conflict on child wellbeing following separation (noting that it is not always possible in reviewing the research literature to separate examples of high conflict from family violence because of the way the studies have been conducted).
Parental conflict is marked by some or all of the following inter-parent behaviours: high degrees of anger and distrust, verbal abuse, and frequent or acute difficulty in communicating about and cooperating in the care of children (McIntosh, 2003). It is important to note that inter-parent conflict is harmful to children in any family structure (Fosco & Grych, 2010).
Childhood exposure to a high-level of inter-parental conflict moderates the relationship between divorce and child outcomes, and in many cases fully accounts for the differences between these groups. For example, the meta-analytic work of Amato (2000) and Whiteside and Becker (2000) noted clear associations between persistent negative, hostile behaviours between parents and patterns of anxiety, depression and disruptive behaviours in childhood. This association continues to be upheld in recent research which has generally controlled for selection effects and other confounders better than the early research. Lucas et al., (2013), for example, found that the twofold increase in risk of mental health difficulties among children from separated families compared to those from intact families was fully accounted for by inter-parental conflict, mothers’ and fathers’ mental health, and socioeconomic factors.
Ongoing conflict between ex-partners can negatively affect parent–child relationships and erode effective parenting, as it makes it difficult for either parent to focus on the children’s priorities, which in turn contributes to children’s emotional and behavioural problems. However it is also important to note that despite the difficulties of ongoing conflict with an ex-partner, many parents find ways to make their children’s needs a top priority and learn to parent effectively (Pedro-Carroll, 2011).
Family violence
Family violence is not simply an increase in the frequency of conflict. It is defined as any violent, threatening or other behaviour pattern by a person, most often male, that coerces or controls their partner, usually female, and/or other members of their family, or causes them to be fearful. As well as physical violence, such behaviour can also include emotional, verbal, sexual, spiritual, and economic abuse. Family violence can also include behaviours like the deliberate sabotaging of a child’s relationship with the other parent.
The rates of family violence in Australia are high, and many children are exposed to it. Violence and harm directed at children, either directly or indirectly, is best conceptualised and understood within a framework that recognises that violence against women and children is interconnected and likely to co-occur. Many relationships end because of family violence.
The use of violence by a parent towards their partner/the other parent has significantly more potent effects on children’s adjustment than high levels of inter-parent conflict (e.g., Bancroft & Silverman, 2004). Perpetrating violence impacts on both the perpetrator’s and victim’s ability to parent.
Behavioural, cognitive, and emotional problems in children that have been shown to increase with exposure to violence include aggression, conduct disorders, delinquency, truancy, school failure, anger, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Interpersonal problems include poor social skills, peer rejection, problems with authority figures and parents, and lower empathy for others (McIntosh & Ralfs, 2012).
The effects of family violence can continue to take their toll, even after the parents’ relationship has ended. Family violence can also worsen at the point of separation. There might be an escalation to different types of violence, such as physical violence or stalking. The controlling partner may go to great lengths to try to restore or maintain control, or to punish the partner because they are losing control over her. Separation can thus be a dangerous time for women and children leaving a violent partner and father. Even if physical violence stops, post-separation family violence can continue in the form of threats, intimidation, stalking, and so on.
Looking after children’s needs in the context of separation
Separating can be stressful and upsetting under any circumstances, and there are additional complexities to be aware of when one parent is leaving a violent partner. The APS information sheet, Parenting after separation in the context of family violence, contains tips for how to look after children’s needs in the context of separating from a partner who has used violence. The information sheet can be accessed at bit.ly/kidsseparationFV.
| Tips for parents |
|
Provide physical and emotional safety. For example, by removing children from ongoing exposure to the violence, and allowing them to talk about their fears and worries.
Repair and rebuild safe and secure emotional bonds with your child. Family violence often stops parents from being able to parent in the ways they want to (because of the violence itself and/or its impacts). Once safety is restored, you can work towards restoring trust with your children (e.g., by showing interest in their concerns or interests, taking time to play, being warm and attentive).
Develop routines, stability and predictability. Families who have been living with violence often experience a lot of instability with unpredictable situations and disrupted routines. After the separation, you can help your children to understand that their world is now more predictable and safe by establishing routines throughout the week or when they are in your care.
Seek your own support. A lot of women and children (as well as men) experience family violence, so there are many people who understand and care about what happens to you and your family and who can provide valuable support to help you cope. The better you are coping, the better your children will cope. Your healing is very important to your children.
Make time for difficult conversations with your children.Talk about the separation and what has happened. The best strategy is to be matter-of-fact about the separation, provide children with simple messages about safety, and try to stay non-judgmental about the other parent, at the same time as being clear that their abusive behaviour was unacceptable.
Teach your child skills to cope and stay safe. Teach ways to express their feelings as well as protective behaviours like learning to listen to their body, trust their feelings and instincts, and tell you or others about their needs, all of which can help to keep them safe.
Manage contact and access issues with children. This can be traumatic and difficult in the context of family violence. Shared parenting is, of course, contraindicated where there is risk of violence and there may be legal arrangements to be considered. Physical and emotional safety is paramount. Children should not be required or permitted by the court to be in the unsupervised care of parents who have exposed them to violence and/or continue to pose a safety risk.
Victims of family violence should particularly seek legal advice prior to formalising any parenting agreements, and should contact a specialist family violence service for support to navigate informal contact arrangements, mediation and legal pathways.
Stay positive!
Don’t despair – most children manage the separation experience in the longer term, especially when they feel safer than they did when their parents were together.
|
The position paper recommendations which relate particularly to family violence state that the APS:
- Recognises the harmful impacts of family violence and the need to prioritise safety, as well as the potential for positive outcomes once safety has been restored after the victim parent and children have moved away from the abusive partner.
- Notes the necessity of avoiding exposure of children to risk factors, especially high conflict and emotional, verbal or physical violence, given overwhelming evidence of negative effects.
- Notes that separation can be beneficial for children, e.g., children’s wellbeing improves when removed from a situation characterised by emotional, verbal or physical violence.
- Supports collaborative dispute resolution processes such as mediation (including child-focused or child-inclusive mediation) as preferable to litigation for resolving parenting disputes and creating solutions that are in children’s best interests (but notes that this may be inappropriate or require special support in the context of a history of violence).
- Recommends further research into child wellbeing following separation in the context of family conflict and violence.
|