This article is featured in The Sydney Morning Herald and is republished with permission.
Marianne* suffered years of psychological manipulation, sexual coercion and financial abuse at the hands of her ex-husband. After they separated, the intimidation ramped up. In her darkest moments, she reached out to a few good friends through Facebook and they came to her emotional rescue.
When a good friend asked what they could do to help her, Marianne asked if one of them could accompany her to court.
“She organised about 15 people to turn up to court with me, and they just stood with me and made me feel safe and supported,” Marianne says. “Normally I’d go into court and I’d feel victimised, scared and alone, but on this day, I was laughing and chatting. It turned out to be one of the best days.”
Marianne says her friend’s support didn’t end there. She has also set up crowdfunding to help Marianne pay for her legal fees and has been a constant good listener.
“This support is what got me through.”
Experts agree that many women live with violence or abuse for years before telling someone or seeking help. So, what would you say or do if you knew or suspected that a woman was being hurt by someone she knows?
It’s easy to presume that she has someone else to help or even “if she’s in danger she would surely leave”. But the messaging around domestic violence is that if you suspect something, it’s worth saying something.
When approaching a suspected victim-survivor of domestic abuse, senior policy and advocacy officer at Domestic Violence NSW, Angie Gehle says it’s important you don’t judge them – and you don’t tell them what to do.
“They will want to know if they are safe talking to you, their radar will be going off constantly in order to determine this,” says Gehle. “It’s important not to judge them by saying things like ‘I wouldn’t put up with that’ or ‘I couldn’t handle it if my husband did that’ or even ‘You deserve better.’ These types of comments will immediately make a woman shut down.
“And if they are a more casual acquaintance, you need to start by embedding trust in the friendship, maybe being a bit more inquisitive, but not about the elephant in the room. Start by asking things like what they’re doing for the day ahead.
“It’s all about building trust.”
The Australian Bureau of Statistic’s latest Personal Safety Survey reveals one in six women and girls over the age of 15 have experienced physical violence. Additionally, one in four women have experienced emotional abuse and one in five, sexual violence. The report estimates around 3.8 million Australian adults over the age of 15 – or 20 per cent – reported experiencing family or domestic and sexual violence.
In NSW, the number of victim-survivors being reported is growing. The rate of domestic violence assaults recorded by NSW Police jumped from 32,179 in the year to March 2021 to 38,108 in the year to March 2025 – an almost 20 per cent increase.
But experts say the number is far greater when you take into account the women who suffer in silence and don’t report their abuse.
Dr Sara Quinn, president of the Australian Psychological Society, which represents 24,000 member psychologists, says often a victim-survivor will deny the abuse.
“In that situation, it’s important that you simply listen to them and wait for them to be ready to disclose information,” Quinn says. “We are never privy to the exact nature of what is happening to that person because we are not that person and they are the expert of their own experience.
“They need to know they have people there that they can feel safe with, and that may take time. Another thing is that they should never feel a sense of judgement or blame from you, or they are less likely to come and speak to you. It’s important never to blame them or question their choices.
“Abuse is never the victim’s fault.”
Often people want to help victim-survivors while they are experiencing domestic violence or are trying to escape it. But it is also important to support them in the recovery process, which can take a lifetime, says Bridget Harris, director of the Monash Gender and Family Violence Prevention Centre.
She adds it’s also important that we start changing the stereotypes around sex and gender and call out inappropriate comments made in social settings.
“That ‘women should be in the kitchen’ thinking around what agency women should and should not have needs to be called out more,” Harris says. “It’s often dismissed as just a joke but it is all part of the small building blocks around sex and gender that really matter in society.
“There is the idea now that violence prevention is all of our business.”
Being the support person for a victim-survivor can take a toll, particularly if the process is long and complicated, or the victim-survivor is someone you care deeply about, such as a sister or close friend.
Quinn says it’s important people offering support also look after their own mental health in order to be of effective assistance.
“It can be really helpful for people who are supporters to seek support themselves because we know the distress and trauma these experiences can bring,” says Quinn, who has had domestic violence supporters as clients. “Hearing and witnessing some of the things (victim-survivors) are going through can be incredibly stressful and can lead to you feeling quite powerless and, in some cases, a really high level of distress, especially if they really care for the person.”
* Name changed