This article is featured in Body+Soul and is republished with permission.
For many women, anger and rage are feelings we’re not always sure what to do with. In many instances, it can feel safer and easier to push those emotions down, but the long-term health implications of doing so can be serious, and it’s time we talk about it.
Despite the fact that ‘female rage’ is having a moment (thank you, Lily Allen), culturally, we’re still not very comfortable with an angry woman.
An angry man? Sure. Because boys will be boys, plus boys don’t cry and it’s all just a part of ‘manning up’ – whatever that means. But women and girls, have been taught to come across as soft, nurturing creatures. We’re the caretakers and the peacekeepers and it’s not very becoming to get all ‘hysterical’. So, restrain, smile, nod, repeat.
“The reality is, little boys are told not to cry, but if they're angry, they're just blowing off steam. Little girls, if they cry, they're hugged and cuddled, but if they get angry, that's not ladylike,” Dr Lynda Chapeyama, a psychotherapist and GP at the Jean Hailes for Women's Health not-for-profit, tells Body+Soul.
“Whether you're afraid, hungry or you've been disrespected, the emotion at the bottom of all of it is usually the same, but we’re taught that what is allowed in the expression is different for girls and boys.”
Anger is, of course, a human emotion, not a gendered one. From time to time, we all struggle with expressing it in a healthy way. For the women, however, who’ve been conditioned to bury their fury and bite their tongues, the hidden health costs are high.
Self-silencing and women’s health
Studies indicate that 80 per cent of all autoimmune disorders, such as multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, and systemic lupus, happen to women. Additionally, women are more likely to experience chronic pain, headache disorders and mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, PTSD and anorexia. Women of colour have even higher rates of illnesses.
One theory for this discrepancy is ‘self-silencing’, which Dr Zena Burgess, CEO of the Australian Psychological Society says is a social cognitive strategy women often use to ward off confrontation and make sure they stay intimate and safe within relationships.
“Women tend to silence their thoughts and feelings and put their own needs aside to uphold someone else's needs first. Self-silencing leads to a lack of self-confidence and feelings of suppressed anger.”
Suppressed anger, according to Burgess, affects every aspect of psychological functioning. “It affects positive self-image and gradually people feel like they're losing themselves. It makes it difficult to have intimate social interactions, it can affect people's willingness to seek assistance … Basically, it stops people living their best lives and fulfilling their potential.”
Social roles and women’s stress
Canadian physician and author, Gabor Maté, argues that the stress women experience through their societal roles is a significant factor in their long-term health outcomes.
According to Maté, there are four characteristics that contribute to the onset of illness:
- Putting other people's emotional needs first and ignoring your own.
- A rigid identification with duty roles and responsibility rather than the needs of the self.
- A belief that you’re responsible for other people’s emotions and you mustn’t disappoint anybody.
- Repressing healthy anger.
Elaborating further on the Mel Robbins Show, Maté says, “The more stressors the woman experiences, the greater the risk of autoimmune disease. People that repress healthy anger are suppressing their immune system biologically.”
Hormonal implications
Likewise, suppressing anger on a surface level doesn’t mean it’s being suppressed on a hormonal level, as Chapeyama explains further.
“You then direct it inward. So, your cortisol levels and your adrenaline levels are still going to go up. You can control it and hold it together but if you do that for 20 or 30 years, the hormonal shifts have still happened. So that cortisol is putting pressure on your heart, it beats that little bit faster, your arteries might tighten… you end up burnt out, depressed.”
Additionally, Chapeyama says we need to acknowledge certain life stages e.g. puberty, pregnancy, perimenopause etc. and major life events such as divorce, death of a loved one etc. heighten stress levels. “How we manage our emotions is affected by everything else going on in our lives. Hormonal shifts mean our ability to manage our emotions changes.”
“There are hormonal changes for women around perimenopause and menopause that do have implications around mood swings, anger and irritability. That is real and those feelings are valid and legitimate,” adds Burgess.
Healthy ways to express your anger
For women who habitually repress their anger, learning how to let it out can be daunting but according to the experts it doesn’t have to be confrontational.
#1. Find your safe spaces
Chapeyama emphasises that when it comes to expressing anger in a healthy way, a sense of safety is paramount, as is a trusted support system.
“If you’re in a situation where expressing anger could really harm you, for example, if you’ve got a DV perpetrator going at you, it’s not safe for you to step up and give it back. You have to retreat, sometimes you have to fawn, but you go and get your safety elsewhere," she says. "Whoever you are, find your safe spaces and link in with that community. They will ground you, they will support you, and you vent there. Not to your boss, not in front of your abuser, not to the person who's going to dismiss you. Go and get safety with people who know you, value you and know you need to get that out.”
#2. Seek professional help
Trained professionals such as GPs, psychologists and therapists can give you the tools, techniques and language to help you better understand and express your emotions.
“I've seen so many women come to counselling because they are frightened by the intensity of the anger and rage they feel,” says Burgess. “They don't have language to express it, and they don't know what they want to do about it. Expressing anger and expressing other emotions often go together. These people need help in learning the skills to self-regulate, to express emotions and to ask for what they want.”
“Go and have your health checked,” adds Chapeyama. “All these physiological basics, whether that’s low iron or thyroid [function], need to be fixed because it's going to reduce the pressure firing on your basic primitive brain.”
#3. Gather your thoughts
In the heat of the moment, it can be difficult to process what you’re feeling and to know how to best respond. This is when the experts say, taking some time to cool off and collect yourself can be useful.
“Journaling is a really important strategy to get your feelings out and identify what they are,” says Burgess.
#4. Reframe your rage
According to Maté, it can be helpful to think of healthy anger as a ‘boundary defence’ similar to that of the immune system. “It lets in what is good and nurturing and keeps out what is toxic and dangerous.”
#5. Look out for each other
With stress playing such a big part in anger, Chapeyama says most people would benefit from extra support during peak periods. “When we are under heightened stress, for example when moving house or having a baby, those not under the same stress need to give those under stress a little more slack. Whether it's our workplaces or schools, let’s acknowledge who's under more stress. She adds "If I’m doing good [sic] one week, I can hold space for you, and in a month, maybe you hold space for me.”
Female rage repression is a complex, multifaceted issue that intersects with psychology, physiology, biology, society and culture. Due to the layers, it can be difficult to navigate, but as Burgess says, change is possible. “It's just a matter of having the right tools to do it and the right support as needed.”