This article is featured in The Senior and is republished with permission.
With an increase in estranged Australian families, the once-taboo issue of grandparents not allowed to see their grandkids is being spoken about more as two women step forward to reveal their plights.
The issue is widespread, with one in 25 adults experiencing estrangement at some point in their lives by their family, according to University of Newcastle Dr Kylie Agllias' research.
For some, the estrangement may not last, but it can still exist for years, or even decades.
Cut off
Rebecca* 62, from South Australia, is a single mum who proudly raised her daughter on her own, with the pair always sharing a close relationship, she said. But after a falling out, she was cut off from seeing her two grandchildren.
After taking on a legal battle to gain contact with her grandkids, Rebecca ended up settling on indirect access because the financial costs were so high.
"Even though I settled, I was actually at peace with that decision, because I gave it a good old crack," she said.
"I'm the one that's behaved with integrity and I can hold my head up high."
Rebecca may still not be invited to birthday parties or intimate gatherings with the children, she is happy knowing one day they will know she fought for them.
We have never forgotten the years they robbed [from] us.
- Gwen*, 62
"One, big fight"
Gwen*, 62, said her life changed rapidly after her son met a new girlfriend who she claimed was "controlling", but they finally came to resolution years later.
"My husband and I went from helping my son look after his young child every day ... including weekends, to being cut off one day because his new girlfriend didn't like that our granddaughter listened to our rules and not hers," the New South Wales resident said.
Gwen claimed it was "one, big fight" that caused the estrangement and every time she thinks about it she is still in shock it happened in the first place.
"She was very rude to us. She yelled at my husband - in our own home - and didn't like that we were "too involved" in our granddaughter's life," she said.
"They hadn't even been dating for six months and we couldn't believe our son went along with it."
After around three years of estrangement, Gwen's son reached out as he was in dire need for a babysitter.
"We were desperate to see our granddaughter, so we went along with it," she said.
Gwen said contact was very awkward initially but things improved slowly, and her son apologised a month later - but his girlfriend and now wife never did.
"To see our granddaughter's eyes light up when she saw us was the best thing," she said.
"[But] we have never forgotten the years they robbed [from] us.
"We have bent over backwards to not set her off [daughter-in-law] and as a result we see our granddaughter and the child they now both share."
When grandparents are cut off from their grandchildren, they can experience immense grief, anger and a sense of loss.
- Dr Zena Burgess
Emotional
Australian Psychological Society CEO Dr Zena Burgess said when navigating an emotional and highly strained relationship with family members, it is "crucial to take care of yourself".
"When grandparents are cut off from their grandchildren, they can experience immense grief, anger and a sense of loss," she said.
"Maintaining routines that support psychological wellbeing, such as adequate sleep, eating well, physical exercise, and meaningful connection with trusted others are essential."
For anyone wanting to repair a relationship with their adult child, Dr Burgess said it can take time and recommends "patience, empathy and sensitive persistence".
But for Rebecca, whose daughter is not interested in communicating at all, she urged estranged grandparents to go to mediation and court - but to have realistic expectations.
"Plan for what they're going to do if it fails," she said.
"I can't change my story, but I might be able to change someone else's ... I just refuse to be defined by it and I do talk about it."
Parents Beyond Breakup National Operations Manager Phil Lamport said he encourages people who take part in Grandparents in Distress support groups to open up about their experiences and connect.
"Speak to others that have been in or are going through a similar situation," he said.
Mr Lamport said "bonding" gets people through their "immediate sense of distress" because grandparents are usually suffering from "isolation and hopelessness".
He said meetings are held via Zoom and once people start sharing their story, they "bounce ideas" of each other and find coping mechanisms.
Gwen said she always worries things "will blow up again" because of her daughter-in-law's personality, but bites her tongue for the sake of the children.
"But once the last one turns 18, it is going to be so satisfying to finally be able to tell her where to stick it."
*Names have been changed for legal reasons.