This article is featured in The Sydney Morning Herald and is republished with permission.
In conversations, there can be a beautiful moment when small talk strikes gold and you discover common ground – anything from a shared obsession with Stranger Things to a favourite travel destination – that provides a springboard to a deeper connection.
But reaching that point can be difficult if you’re daunted by the idea of talking to strangers – and that goes for many of us, says Dr Catriona Davis-McCabe, professor of psychology at the Cairnmillar Institute in Perth. Aiming for perfection as well as a greater level of self-consciousness is holding many of us back, she says.
“The important thing is to remember that conversation is about connection, not perfection. Everyone has some level of self-consciousness and we need to remind ourselves that other people might be worrying about how they present, too,” she says.
There’s also been a lingering effect from COVID, adds Maud Vanhoutte, a Sydney-based professional development coach who has seen a demand for her workplace courses in small talk from younger people who feel they lack experience in making conversation with colleagues at work because they were isolated from them for so long.
“People are often afraid of rejection too, or feel they can’t think of topics to talk about, or perhaps they’ve had experiences in the past with awkward silences.”
But whatever is keeping you quiet, there are good reasons for brushing up on small talk.
“It’s how we deepen conversations and make friends, and the more we do, the easier it gets. It’s about practice and being armed with topics,” says Davis-McCabe, past president of the Australian Psychological Society.
“Wherever you are, whether it’s the dog park or a conference centre, use the place you’re in as a launching pad for questions - ‘so what kind of dog is that?’ ‘What did you think to that presentation?’ Show genuine curiosity about what the other person has to say. It’ll help you feel less self-conscious, too.
“Share small relatable pieces of information about yourself and follow up on what the other person tells you. If they’re just back from a trip away, ask questions that prompt more than yes or no answers. ‘What made you decide to go there?’ ‘What did you like most?’
“But look for signs that their interest is waning, whether it’s the tone of voice, giving only brief answers, or their eyes wandering away. Either change the topic or use a closing statement - ‘thanks for the chat’ or ‘it was great talking to you’.”
Vanhoutte’s advice is similar but distilled into a technique called ARE, an easy-to-remember formula developed by communication coach Carol Fleming to help conversation flow.
“A stands for anchor – meaning the place you’re in or the event you’re at. Use this as a hook to ask a question. R stands for reveal meaning say something about yourself and E is for encourage. Ask them a question to get them talking,” Vanhoutte says.
Small talk is an asset in the workplace
“Small talk isn’t a trivial waste of time,” says Vanhoutte. “Knowing how to make conversation is an investment with no initial cost, no risk and unlimited upsides, and it’s an asset in the workplace – good for your personal brand and for making connections at work. If you don’t chat to people, you can come across as rude or standoffish. Small talk can also be a warm-up to a deeper conversation.”
She suggests:
- Try asking questions like “when you’re not working, what do you like to do?” “Hopefully they’ll say something interesting you can relate to or they’ll ask questions back,” says Vanhoutte. “Aim to keep the conversation balanced so it’s not just you talking. Sometimes people panic, feeling that if they stop talking, there’ll be an awkward silence. You can avoid this if you ask questions.”
- “If you’re at a networking event chatting to other people, look around to see if anyone’s alone and invite them in – they’ll be grateful and like you for it. If it’s you who’s arrived alone in a room, look for another lone person and ask, ‘may I join you?’ No one is going to say ‘no’.”
What to avoid
- Yes and no answers. They can lead to awkward silences, says Vanhoutte.
- Replying with ‘good’ if someone asks how your weekend was: come up with something interesting instead.
- Focusing on what your next question or comment is going to be. It means you’re not listening to the person.
- Rattling off a list of questions rather than listening to what the other person is saying.
- Constantly looking at your phone. It puts people off talking to you.
“People often stress about what they should say to others, but the important thing is, did you make them feel seen, heard and considered?” Vanhoutte says. “We can get so hung up on making words flow that we overlook the importance of how we make people feel.”