This article is featured in Body+Soul and is republished with permission.
Remember the days when we used to see our friends week in, week out? Friendships seem to be a bit more hands-off these days, but experts say this might actually be healthier.
There was a time when friendship felt measurable. How often you texted. How quickly you replied.
Whether you watched the story, sent the meme or remembered to react to the photo dump within a socially acceptable timeframe.
Somewhere along the way, closeness became tangled up with constant availability.
Now, many people are quietly rejecting that idea.
Instead of friendships built on daily check-ins and endless digital upkeep, there is a growing shift towards something lower-pressure and more emotionally sustainable: the low-maintenance friendship.
These are the friendships where weeks can pass without contact, but the connection still feels solid – surviving delayed replies, busy schedules and changing life stages without collapsing into insecurity.
And according to experts, quieter friendships are not necessarily worse friendships. In some cases, they may actually be healthier.
Do we have to stay in constant touch to stay close?
“Healthy and stable friendships are imperative for our wellbeing and longevity,” Australian Psychological Society chief executive Dr Zena Burgess says.
Dr Burgess says close friendships are linked to greater life satisfaction and lower rates of depression because they provide emotional support, trust, intimacy and a sense of belonging.
But not everybody experiences closeness in the same way.
“Some people feel closest through frequent messages and daily check-ins, while others prefer less constant communication but more meaningful time together,” Dr Burgess says.
For some, a deep in-person conversation over an occasional dinner can feel far more fulfilling than maintaining constant online contact throughout the week.
That distinction matters in a culture where people are more connected than ever – but often more emotionally exhausted, too.
For many adults, lower-frequency connections feel much more realistic, allowing room for work, caregiving and other commitments.
It’s not about caring less; it’s more an acknowledgment that a friend can’t be emotionally available all the time and removing the pressure to do so.
Are low-maintenance friendships any less valuable?
The psychological benefits of friendship do not disappear when communication becomes less frequent.
Dr Burgess says emotionally secure friendships can still thrive even when contact is occasional, provided there is consistency, trust and emotional presence when people do connect.
“Even if contact is infrequent, following through on plans, checking in occasionally and being emotionally present when you do connect can help maintain security and trust,” she says.
Dr Burgess also points to the value of “weak ties” – the people you chat to at school pick-up, the colleague you grab an occasional coffee with, the neighbour you see when putting out the bins.
These connections provide camaraderie and a sense of belonging without requiring the same emotional investment as close friendships.
“Research suggests that having both weak and close ties fosters better psychological and physical health and optimal cognitive functioning,” Dr Burgess says.
Friendship does not always need to be deeply intense to be beneficial.
Are some people naturally better suited to low-maintenance friendships?
People naturally have different attachment needs and communication preferences.
While some feel reassured by regular contact, others are more comfortable with space and independence.
Problems can arise when these expectations are mismatched; one person might misinterpret a slow reply as rejection, while the other assumes the friendship is perfectly stable.
“It can be helpful to communicate openly about preferred styles of contact so neither person is left making assumptions or feeling neglected,” Dr Burgess suggests.
The healthiest low-maintenance friendships are built on mutual understanding, where there is trust that the relationship still exists even during quieter periods.
Has modern life made friendship feel more emotionally demanding?
Phones and social media created the expectation that we should always be reachable – and with that, the idea that we should always be emotionally available, too.
Etiquette expert and social skills coach Jo Hayes says maintaining relationships at that constant level is leaving people exhausted.
“Intimacy is built on consistency, not intensity,” Hayes says.
“The intimate friendships that support our daily life shouldn’t feel like another chore that we have to ‘fit in’.”
Instead, Hayes believes people want friendships that fit easily into daily life, rather than connections that demand constant upkeep.
Her answer to this is the “doorbell friend” – someone who can stop by unannounced for a quick catch-up without the interaction feeling performative.
She says these small, low-pressure moments integrated into ordinary life often create deeper intimacy than formally scheduled catch-ups.
“The reason doorbell friends are so fabulous (and beneficial) is because they’re so easy – there’s no scheduling, no pre-planning. It’s not intense. It’s not draining. It’s not, necessarily, time-consuming,” she says.
She says these catch-ups can even be as casual as having a 10-minute chat while hanging out the washing – low pressure, yet fulfilling.
“We want relational connection … but we don’t want it to be exhausting,” Hayes says.
So, how do you maintain a healthy low-maintenance friendship?
Both experts agree the key is consistency rather than constant communication.
A healthy low-maintenance friendship is not emotionally absent – it is emotionally reliable. That means checking in occasionally, following through on plans and allowing the friendship enough flexibility to survive busy seasons of life.
And maybe that is the real shift happening in modern friendship culture.
People are no longer just looking for constant connection, they are looking for sustainable connection.