This article is featured in The Advertiser and is republished with permission.
A social media post by parents who lost their young son to cancer has laid bare the heartbreaking reality for grieving mums and dads – and the simple question they dread most.
Hundreds reacted to the online update from Frances and Ceri Menai‑Davis whose son, Hugh, died aged six from the rare and aggressive cancer rhabdomyosarcoma.
“Grief is having to choose between leaving your child out or breaking someone else’s heart when they ask how many children you have,” the founders of a UK-based charity looking to expand into Australia, It’s Never You, wrote.
“So sometimes you measure your answer not by what is real but by how much heartbreak the other person can bear – that is grief; not forgetting your child but learning that their absence now lives in every conversation, every introduction, every ordinary moment the world expects you to move through normally.”
The post struck a chord with Adelaide Hills mum Emma Dunn.
The youngest of her and husband Andrew’s two sons, Liam, died three years ago, aged 14, after bravely battling cancer three times over eight years.
“That question, ‘How many kids do you have?’, does stop me a little bit … I mean, I’m always going to answer it as, ‘two children’ but I’m also silently going, ‘Please don’t ask me any more questions’,” she said.
“I do try and gauge who I’m speaking to which can be hard in itself … you are always thinking, ‘How much do I say?’ … you worry that if you elaborate and tell them you’ve lost a child, you might upset them.”
Some days the raw pain of living without her beloved son who would be in year 12 this year and celebrating his 18th in November, is simply too hard.
“There are days where it’s like, ‘Oh please don’t ask me, I don’t think I could cope actually speaking about Liam and what we’ve been through without crying’,” she said.
She says at times she will try to divert the conversation away from the question, or talk about her eldest son, 19-year-old Noah.
Mrs Dunn says three years on, there are still days when it is hard to absorb the reality of losing “the cheekiest boy with the best laugh you would ever meet”.
“I’ll be going about my day and then it’ll hit me … ‘he is actually gone, he isn’t coming back and this did actually happen’ … it’s not that you ever forget, it just hits harder sometimes,” she said.
Milestones, too, are hard.
“Whenever I see his friends or their parents post about things such as the school formal, starting year 12, turning 18, part of me just wants to scream, ‘That should be Liam’ … sometimes I just want to scream his name and go, ‘He did live’,” she said, breaking down with emotion.
“But I try not to dwell (on it), as I don’t want to live in that state of grief constantly even though it is always there in the back of your mind.”
Adelaide GP Katherine Ryan, who lost her son and only child to suicide at 16 in 2021, braced herself for the question, “Do you have children?” before she returned to work after his death.
“I just say, ‘You know, I had a son, Tobi, who unfortunately passed away’ … I keep it fairly brief and we talk about it, if they want to … if I am asked how he died, I’m honest, I say, ‘He died by suicide’.
Adelaide Labor politician and former schoolteacher Alex Dighton, welcoming his third son, Clarrie, into the world last month, referred to the baby his family lost at nine weeks, Clancy.
“It’s really important for us that Clancy is in our family and (big brother) Albie certainly knows that he’s the big brother of two other brothers now – Clancy and Clarrie,” he said.
“We’re now a family of five.”
The hardest question – and how to support a grieving parent friend
While answering the question, ‘How many children do you have?’ can be difficult for grieving parents, for many it serves as a way to honour their lost, says psychologist Zena Burgess.
“The death of a child is one of the most painful life events that an adult can experience,” the Australian Psychological Society chief executive said, adding everyone’s reaction to it will be different.
“Grief is complicated and it’s normal for parents who lose a child to experience a range of feelings such as profound loss, severe anxiety, hopelessness, envy, anger, guilt, regret and in some cases, relief – particularly following a prolonged illness.
“The intensity and length of a grieving period varies between individuals but can significantly influence people’s emotions, thoughts and behaviours for months or years.”
Dr Burgess said answering the question, ‘How many children do you have?’ could be particularly hard for some.
“For many, however, including the child who died is an important way of honouring their existence and continuing their place in the family … people should answer in a way they are most comfortable with,” she said.
She offers these tips for those wanting to provide support:
IF you are supporting a friend who has lost a child, it’s best to ask them if they are comfortable with you using the child’s name and discussing fond memories of them.
RESPECT the grieving person’s preference for the way in which they grieve.
LISTEN to your friends and let them know you’re there for them. Offer a safe space where they can talk – or not talk; invite them to do an activity they enjoy such as going for a walk or watching a movie.
SMALL gestures, like checking in, sending a kind message, or spending quiet time together, can be especially meaningful.
CONTINUE to check in and be there to listen as they adjust to life after losing a child; many people receive attention right after the loss but later they may feel lonely or forgotten.
AVOID comments such as, “Everything happens for a reason,” “You should move on,” or “I know exactly how you feel,” which can feel insensitive.
DON’T force a friend to talk if they are not ready. Try to listen, be patient, and let them grieve in their own way and at their own pace.”
IF you have concerns, you can also raise the idea of seeking professional support, as another