Sydney Morning Herald
Cancer survivor turned patient advocate Melissa Le Mesurier has seen parents respond in all manner of ways to a cancer diagnosis. Some have told their children within minutes of finding out they have cancer. Others have chosen to withhold it altogether, hoping they can remain unburdened by their parents' illness.
Le Mesurier recommends parents tell children the truth about cancer a view backed by psychology experts. Her children were already adults when she was diagnosed with bladder cancer six years ago. But in her role with the Victorian Comprehensive Cancer Centre Alliance, Le Mesurier often deals with parents agonising over how to break the news to their children. She says children can be included in the journey of detection and treatment by providing information appropriate for their age.
"Let them ask questions," she said. "It's also important to explain cancer is not their fault, and they can't catch it." Catherine, Princess of Wales, revealed yesterday that she was receiving treatment for cancer, discovered after she underwent abdominal surgery in January. Le Mesurier hopes not only that Catherine will make a full recovery, but that the announcement of her diagnosis will help families talk about it.
Australian Association of Psychologists director Carly Dober said she had clients who had wanted to hide their cancer from their children. She advises against it. "Research tells us when children find out about this big news later, it feels like a bigger deal or a betrayal," she said. Dober, a psychologist, said parents should create an atmosphere of emotional openness, which can include adults crying if they're sad.
"No pretense, no acting, all feelings are welcome." Dober said talking about death in an age-appropriate manner was also important if the prognosis was not good. She suggested asking children what memories they wanted to create with their ill loved one before they died. "That will be something they carry with them forever." But Dober encouraged people to seek support from a psychologist if they felt overwhelmed.
Australian Psychological Society chief executive Zena Burgess said parents should be calm and have their thinking ordered before discussing cancer with children. "People sometimes forget that bit," she said. "They rush to talk before they've got their thoughts composed."
Children will sometimes think their actions might have caused or contributed to the cancer diagnosis. Burgess said parents needed to assure children that was not the case. "It's important to explain they cannot in any way have contributed to it."
Burgess said the family routine for children should remain stable as far as possible, and they should continue seeing their friends. "Tell them they can talk to their friends about it. If it's a family secret that makes kids anxious as well."
Clinical psychologist Rob Gordon, who has consulted to the Red Cross in disasters, agreed it was important to tell children the truth or at least as much as they needed to know depending on their age so they could understand the family's new circumstances.
"The first thing is to stick to the facts," he said. "Children are very good at picking up when parents or adults are ducking the issue." Gordon also recommends that adults are open with children about their emotions, including feelings of fear and worry. "But show the children adults can manage their feelings by being positive and holding on to normal routines."
And he suggests keeping children updated throughout a cancer journey. "With an early cancer diagnosis you wouldn't necessarily talk about death unless you know it's terminal," Gordon said. "Be factual but add something about the help, support and treatment to the unpleasant facts." The family routine for children should remain stable.