This article is featured in Your Time Magazine and is republished with permission.
When 62-year-old Angela was diagnosed with breast cancer, she went home, calmly made a cup of tea, fed the dog and started to cook dinner.
“I couldn’t wrap my head around it,” the Sunshine Coast resident says. “It was like an out-of-body experience.”
Being diagnosed with a serious illness can feel like the world has tilted on some kind of crazy axis.
Christopher Hall, from The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement, describes it as “the moment of impact”.
“People say it’s like a time rupture: a sharp define between life before and after,” Mr Hall says.
For some, it’s a punch in the gut; for others it’s almost surreal.
Your world as you know it has irrevocably changed.
Julie Bolton, a counsellor who specialises in supporting those with cancer, says that when given a painful diagnosis, many people are encouraged to suppress or hold their feelings inside – to be stoic or brave.
“Sometimes we can also feel an expectation from others for us to be positive all the time after a diagnosis, which can be exhausting,” Ms Bolton says.
After a fall, Felicity, 59, from Northern NSW, discovered she had an aggressive and rare type of cancer.
“I just wanted to go into my cave,” she says.
Felicity dulled her pain with alcohol, took to her bed and binged TV series after TV series on Netflix.
Friends struggled to help. Felicity was always angry. She’d scream down the phone.
When someone is diagnosed with a serious or life-limiting illness, experts agree that it is important to acknowledge that all feelings are okay.
The reality is, you might feel shock, fear, rage – or even relief, if you’ve been experiencing symptoms, because now you know what you are dealing with.
Mr Hall says that in the past, there was a “cookie-cutter” approach to grief – a range of emotions you were likely to experience: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance.
“The last one (acceptance) is the emotional promised land, but people often die as they live and acceptance isn’t part of that. They may be angry until they take their last breath,” he explains.
Prescribing to the notion that you must suppress feelings isn’t healthy.
Angelique Foran, a clinical psychologist from Supported Minds Psychology, says avoiding acknowledging your emotions may increase stress, anxiety or even physical health issues.
“The aim is to accept your feelings and begin to navigate your health journey with self-compassion,” she says.
That may mean trying to find joy doing the things you love. Take a walk in the sunshine. Fuel your body with nutrient-rich foods. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Reach out to those who offer comfort.
Many people with a serious illness say that one of the most difficult things to do is sharing the news with loved ones.
Australian Psychological Society CEO Dr Zena Burgess says it’s normal to feel awkward and nervous about having the conversation.
“Choose a private, calm setting and share information clearly and honestly, using straightforward language,” she suggests.
When telling grandkids, Dr Burgess says not to make it a “set-and-forget” announcement, but rather an ongoing conversation.
“Ask children regularly: ‘How are you feeling about the news?’, so they know discussing it is not taboo,” she adds.
Dealing with a diagnosis sooner rather than later can help you prepare.
When you know something is wrong, don’t ignore the warnings.
When Angela was showering, she felt the pea-sized lump in her breast but pushed niggling thoughts aside.
“I was caring for my mum who was seriously unwell and didn’t have time to take on anything else,” she says.
Eight years after being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, Angela remains hopeful: “I refuse to let this disease define who I am.”
One of the challenges of serious disease or illness, Mr Hall says, is its power to steal your sense of self.
You need to reclaim your identity beyond being a patient or someone who is dying, he says. “You are still an auntie, a gardener, an artist, or a friend,” Mr Hall says. “You are more than what is happening to your body.”
There is no denying the fact that none of us are getting out of here alive.
We have a limited time on this Earth, and not one of us really knows when the jig is up.
While we don’t have a say in when we depart, Mr Hall acknowledges we do have input on how we live.
“Death is choiceless, but how you respond to a serious illness is rich in choice,” he says.
In shock news of a bowel cancer diagnosis, Patricia, 62, from Brisbane, was told she had a pear-sized mass.
Doctors were not confident they could remove it. She hugged those she loved as she broke the news, saying she wasn’t giving up without a fight.
“I told the doctor, ‘I want it out. I have to get through this’,” she says.
Patricia admits she has her teary days, but she remains upbeat to this day – even cracking jokes with the nurses from her hospital bed.
When Sam, 56, from Brisbane, started having headaches and felt out of sorts, doctors told him he was experiencing depression.
He wasn’t convinced. Then came the MRI that delivered a heart-wrenching blow to the father of two: Sam had a massive brain tumour that was inoperable.
Over time, friends he thought he could count on faded away; others he wasn’t as close to were knocking on his door.
“It’s often a surprise who supports us during times of crisis and who isn’t available,” Ms Foran notes.
“Some will disappear because of their own unresolved issues.
“Other friendships might fade away because people simply don’t know what to say or do.”
The overwhelming advice is not to be afraid to let friends and family know what you need.
It also can be helpful to join support groups and share with others what you’re going through.
Dr Burgess says seeking professional support can help to make sense of your illness.
“As difficult and painful as it is, there are also opportunities for growth, relationship repair and a new sense of self that can emerge if a person has the support and openness to engage with the diagnosis,” she says.
Sam’s journey came to an end with his family by his side.
Felicity still feels cheated and angry at times, but with support and the passing of time, she has turned the corner.
“I’m feeling more chilled these days,” she says.
She’s crossing items off on her bucket list with wild abandon. A road trip across Europe included a bungie jump in Croatia. A trip to Sydney meant she could see a favourite 1980s rock band.
The possibilities are endless.
And she is up for every single one of them.