This article is featured in Body+Soul and is republished with permission.
Is minimal contact the best way to manage a ‘difficult’ family member? We ask three experts to break down the burgeoning ‘low contact’ trend.
Look around you, and you’ll likely find someone who’s gone ‘low contact’ with a parent or sibling – not quite cutting them off but maintaining a strict arm’s length distance.
Perhaps they’re using terms such as ‘grey rocking’, learned on Reddit or in the therapy room, or maintaining contact simply for their children’s sake.
On the surface, things appear cordial – but beneath it, boundaries are firmly in place.
Whatever the case, they’re in good company, with experts saying social media, increased mental health awareness and the destigmatisation of relationship ruptures are driving an estrangement epidemic.
In her book Family Estrangement, author and social work academic Dr Kylie Agllias, of the University of Newcastle, estimates that around one in 12 people are estranged from at least one family member.
In the US, a recent YouGov poll puts the figure at a staggering 38 per cent.
Now low contact is emerging as a quieter, less measurable sub-trend – one experts say is growing rapidly.
But is keeping family at a carefully managed distance the healthiest way to manage conflict? Or just a softer form of cutting ties?
What is a ‘low contact’ relationship?
According to Australian Psychological Society president Dr Kelly Gough, going low contact involves reducing the frequency and intensity of interactions, without severing ties.
This might mean interacting only on holidays, for a specific purpose or in emergencies.
The instigator will typically steer clear of emotionally charged conversations – providing limited personal information and bland, factual responses (sometimes called ‘grey rocks’).
Family therapist and the Parent Hope Project founder Dr Jenny Brown says managing difficult relationships with distance is nothing new; but the labelling and normalisation of ‘low contact’ is.
What’s driving the division?
The expert consensus is that greater mental health awareness and reduced stigma around family rifts are fuelling the estrangement fire.
“We are seeing many high-profile family conflicts play out in the public sphere, which may be increasing conversation around this topic,” Dr Gough says.
Then, of course, there’s social media – a double-edged sword.
While the sense of community it provides can legitimise (or even pressurise) the choice to cut off contact, experts say social platforms also give voice to people seeking healthier relationships.
“Online discussions can encourage self-reflection and provide a language for addressing toxic or abusive behaviours,” Dr Gough says.
This can sometimes give people who would have once disengaged without any explanation new skills to attempt to navigate conflict, he explains.
As for what triggers estrangement, value clashes are commonly cited.
Psychologist Narelle Dickinson says other factors “include physical or emotionally abusive behaviour (past or ongoing), disagreement about what’s required to maintain a safe and secure relationship, or a family member becoming intrusive or overinvolved in your life, or the lives of your kids”.
Playing the blame game
Toxic, narcissistic… the increasing pathologisation of others’ behaviour is a real problem, according to Dr Brown.
“We have a tribe of people who are enraged about the difficult family members in their lives,” she explains, adding that it’s often parents in the firing line.
“Some adult children may blame their parents, either consciously or unconsciously, for what has gone wrong in their lives,” Dr Gough echoes.
And while recognising how those who have raised you have contributed to your struggles is a helpful step in healing, being stuck in blame is not.
This can lead to a permanent sense of victimhood, Dr Gough says, that can prevent self-examination and growth.
According to Dr Brown, we are too quick to attach the word ‘trauma’ to normal relationship tensions, “not just to legitimate abuse and trauma”.
Rather than pointing fingers, she recommends bringing curiosity to your role in the relationship dynamic.
When is low contact appropriate?
That said, setting boundaries around contact can be a healthy choice, and experts suggest it may be appropriate when a relationship is causing you significant distress.
As Dr Gough explains, “it can be a way to stay connected without fully immersing oneself in family dynamics that may be harmful”.
Perhaps you want to maintain family ties for your children but need to protect your own peace.
Dickinson, who is also director of Lotus Health and Psychology, says going low contact can allow this.
It can relieve stress and serve as a temporary reset, while leaving the door open to reconciliation.
Of course, there are cases – including those involving violence or psychological abuse – when stronger boundaries are necessary.
“Sometimes we need to completely cut ties to maintain physical and emotional safety,” Dickinson says.
She adds having a family member consistently overstepping your clearly stated boundaries or refusing to discuss an important relationship issue may also deepen a rift.
Considering going low contact? Do this first
Highly complex and personal, the decision to cut contact is not to be taken lightly.
Dr Gough recommends consulting with a psychologist before making your decision, while Dr Brown says careful consideration is essential.
The family therapist says in rushing to low or no contact, we’re losing our ability to tolerate discomfort and differences in relationships.
If you can learn, through counselling or otherwise, to manage your own emotions and reactions, “that’s going to enhance your mental wellbeing better than anything,” Dr Brown insists.