Relationships damaged by infidelity can recover, and the work couples do in resolving the crisis can bring about real relationship improvements, an expert will tell the APS College of Counselling Psychologists Conference in Melbourne this week.
Counselling psychologist Elisabeth Shaw MAPS, says people find themselves surprised at what they are prepared to do to fight for their relationship.
“In happier times, people will say they would never stay in a relationship after a betrayal. But when it happens in reality, they instead have to consider the affair in light of the complexity of their lives: years together, love for their partner, ways the relationship still works, fear of loss and loneliness and consideration of children, among other things. These become important reasons to persist, even when in pain,” says Ms Shaw.
Ms Shaw says pornography or an emotional affair can have the same effect as a physical affair, and that she is increasingly counselling couples for text affairs and online affairs.
She also says some people suffer bigger injuries than others that may be too great to bear. “When the betrayal occurs during a particularly significant time in life, such as when a partner is pregnant, having cancer treatment or caring for a dying parent, then the aggrieved partner asks: Surely I should have been able to count on you during this difficult/special time?”
“This doesn’t make it impossible for a relationship to recover, but it does mean there are additional elements to work through,” says Ms Shaw.
She says people need the guidance of a skilled couple psychologist to work through relationship betrayal as alone they can feel stuck in traumatic events, often reporting their discussions go around in circles.
There is no single reason that infidelity occurs, but research shows there is an increase in opportunistic infidelity rather than planned events.
“The relationship may not have been in any obvious difficulty before the betrayal, but afterwards is never the same,” says Ms Shaw. “However with work, some couples say it is better.”
Elisabeth Shaw MAPS, is a keynote presenter at the APS College of Counselling Psychologists Conference in Melbourne 26 February to 1 March 2015.
Note to editor - Elisabeth Shaw is available for interview from Thurday 27 February to Sunday 1 March.
For more information, or to arrange an interview call the APS Media team on 03 8662 3358 / 0435 896 444, or email. Find the APS Media team on Twitter: @AustPsych
The APS is the largest professional organisation for psychologists in Australia, representing more than 27,000 members. The APS is committed to advancing psychology as a discipline and profession. It spreads the message that psychologists make a difference to people’s lives, through improving psychological knowledge and community wellbeing.